Thinking through priorities
"I saw a counsellor independently and we also saw a counsellor together. The whole premise was that the girls wanted their child to know their father and that the father would have some involvement." Brad
"I started writing a list of who would be happy to give me sperm and not be a parent…I asked people who I thought were trustable and potentially open to that scenario and who would be good men who were happy to be known to the child as a donor purely. There was no question in my mind of having a father." Lesley
Talking together
"My initial reaction from day one was of excitement and I almost had to restrain myself - it’s all well and good, but let’s think about what it really means. What would it look like? What would my involvement be? What would be the repercussions of such a decision?" Brad
"We met and spent about three or four hours together and we just drank coffee and talked and talked… I think it’s worked because we talked about everything from the start. I made a very conscious decision to have a child - it took me a lot of work and effort and planning." Maryann
"For co-parenting, I think you would need to be really careful. You would need to know the person well and have a really good capacity to talk - you wouldn’t pick them willy-nilly." Joanna
"Nobody made assumptions, or presumed they had rights of entitlements, I suppose, and we probably had similar values and David is really clear that he doesn’t have decision-making responsibility." Susan
"It was a good year, more than a year, between meeting him and starting to try to get pregnant, which I think was the right thing." Joanna
Additional help
"We used a lawyer to produce a memorandum of understanding or whatever the term. I’m mindful that none of that is legally binding, but it was a very helpful process and it would be foolhardy not to do it." Brad
"For anyone considering a co-parenting arrangement I’d say get professional counselling, separately and together, because you need to understand why you want to do it and that your emotions are going to change once that child is born, because they will. And you need to learn about how the other person feels and about how this journey is going to work. The journey will not work like it says on paper - it’s an emotional journey." Rodney
"They [the recipient parents] had a copy of some Rainbow Family guidelines which were really useful and even though it wasn't legally binding we came up with a written agreement, a kind of symbolic contract between us and it helped clarify our expectations." David
Personal characteristics
"I think it’s worked well partly because he’s a really nice, decent person and because we’re nice, decent people and we’re all reasonable. I think no one had ideas that were so fixed that they weren’t moveable." Susan
"There is an element of luck, but there’s also an element of maturity and education and self-awareness." Rodney
"The overarching understanding I still live with is that as long as we can negotiate, and as long as we are all reasonable people and can have these conversations and appreciate there are always going to be differences, we’ll be OK." Brad
"You know, it’s not a little project. It’s something that lasts your whole life so you want to make sure the person you’re having the child with, in whatever way, is the right person." Maryann
Many thanks to Jacqui Tomlins from the Rainbow Families Council, who researched and wrote this information.
Facebook
Twitter
Print PDF
Print HTML