Emotional and practical considerations

Key to a successful surrogacy arrangement is having an open and honest relationship. It may be at times that you have fears and concerns and that you can be quite open with that individual and say, “Look I’m concerned about this.” Leanne

Beyond financial, legal and medical considerations, there are a number of emotional and practical things to consider, including:

Are you emotionally ready?

Your child is much wanted and planned for. It is important that you are positive and proud of the journey you took to bring them in to the world, so that they can be too.

Many intended parents experience doubts. Many fear that the surrogate will want to keep the baby or will want to intrude or interfere with your family. These concerns are not borne out by reality. Few surrogates do not relinquish the child. There are more cases of the commissioning parents not wanting to take responsibility for the child. Remember, a surrogate carries a pregnancy to help you become a parent. All surrogates and commissioning parents in Victoria have counselling to ensure that they are fully aware and are as emotionally prepared as possible for what is involved.

Intended mothers, ask yourselves: Have you have given yourself time and space to reconcile not being able to be pregnant and give birth, before you start looking for a surrogate? Most people need time to grieve for such a loss. If you want your child to be comfortable that they were carried by a surrogate, you need to be too.

Intended fathers, ask yourselves: Is surrogacy the most comfortable option for you? Have you explored other avenues to become a parent? It is important if you will not be genetically connected to the child that you feel comfortable with this and that you have given yourself the time and space to let go of not being able to pass on your genes.

The surrogacy experience: Leanne & Antoinette

Surrogacy perspectives: Pippy, Fiona, & Laura

Your relationship with the surrogate

As with any relationship, good communication, respect and trust are crucial for a successful relationship between commissioning parent(s) and a surrogate. It can be difficult to take the time needed to build a strong foundation of trust and commitment when the desire to have a child is so strong. However, the issues are complex and both you and your surrogate need time and space to think them through and to decide whether or not to proceed.

It is important to have a shared understanding of expectations for the pregnancy, the birth plan, information exchange beyond the birth and what kind of continuing relationship you will have after a child is born. Little issues can become big issues if they are not dealt with. If there are any potential ‘red flag’ issues that you don’t agree on, it is important to pay particular attention to these and to talk these issues through, even though these are likely to be challenging conversations. It is essential that you continue to like and respect your surrogate and are able to stay in touch for your potential child’s sake.

A surrogacy agreement enables you to write down what is agreed, even if the surrogate is a close friend/family member. This process will help both parties clarify their wishes, expectations and responsibilities.

Ask yourself: ‘Will I be comfortable about our arrangement at my child’s twenty-first birthday and beyond? Will my child? Will the surrogate? Will her partner, children and extended family?’

The following are factors that can contribute to a positive outcome from a surrogacy arrangement.

Minimal risk factors - stable mental and physical health, positive life situation, supportive partner.
Clear and open communication.
Clear boundaries and realistic expectations.
Knowledge of the medical process, including being realistic about the timeline – it could be up to 12 months before embryo transfer occurs.
Realistic expectations about the emotional reactions that may occur during the process. Emotions should be managed with care and sensitivity - anxiety, grief, guilt and disappointment are all common feelings.
Discussions between all parties regarding what are fair and reasonable expenses for the surrogate. Commissioning parent(s) should also plan a budget.
Agreement on a pregnancy and birth plan that all parties are comfortable with. However, keep in mind that like any pregnant woman, the birth mother has the right to manage her own pregnancy - regardless of what may have been agreed in the surrogacy arrangement.

Ingredients for a successful relationship with a surrogate

When surrogate mothers were asked their views about a successful relationship, their answer was unanimous: open and honest communication, and trust and respect for each other are as vital as a healthy pregnancy.

What a surrogate wants from intended parents

Trust is an integral issue if the surrogacy arrangement is to be a happy one. Trust your surrogate to do the right thing by herself, her body and your baby. Be genuine, respectful, open, reliable and have some degree of flexibility to work well together.
Have common long-term goals about the rights and interests of the child and agreed openness about their conception and genetics.
Be open to ongoing contact and communication in regards to the child. Children need/like to know their origins and the more open that process is, the better for them.
Remember, by agreeing to carry your child, your surrogate is potentially putting a lot of strain on her personal relationships. The people who are most affected are her children and partner. Please consider them too as they are the silent parties in a surrogacy arrangement.

What happens if you are friends or family?

Your relationship will be taken to new dimensions but don’t push it. Don’t take for granted that your surrogate will do everything to please you just because you’re related or long-time friends. Pregnancy can be tough; it is important that you listen to her is she needs to complain about any unpleasant symptoms or fears.

During the treatment and pregnancy

Keep your promises. Only promise something if you are confident you can fulfill that promise.
Show a commitment to your surrogate and the pregnancy. Attend appointments; show an interest in the pregnancy, in your surrogate’s health and, of course, in her as a person. She will appreciate thoughtful texts and phone calls right throughout the pregnancy.
Be flexible. Your surrogate probably leads a busy life as a mother, partner and worker. Be prepared to plan with her; not forher.
Be honest about how you are feeling. There may be grief involved in watching someone else carry your baby. Difficult emotions are likely to come up for everyone involved at some point - do not hide from these emotions. Your surrogate is likely to pick up on those feelings and have concerns. While she gets to experience the first few tentative months with your unborn child, you will have a lifetime to experience all the firstsand the highs and lows. She is excited about this - she hopes you are too!
Expect feelings to change.Circumstances that a surrogate and commissioning parents may have considered acceptable before a pregnancy may change once it is a reality. Do not shut each other out. Just as commissioning parents are emotionally invested, a surrogate is also committed to her role of delivering a healthy baby for you.
Offer practical support. If your surrogate is struggling with the demands of the pregnancy, it might be appreciated if you cook the family some meals, organise a cleaner for her home, or take her children out for the day so she can get some much needed rest.
Offer emotional support.Listen to any complaint she may have about unpleasant pregnancy symptoms or fears.
Be financially responsible. Part of the relationship between a surrogate and intended parents is financial. When your surrogate needs funds to be reimbursed, either pay ahead or as quickly as possible after the event. Financial matters can be difficult to discuss. It is critical that both parties establish a system that gives the surrogate confidence to talk about the costs she has had to pay to ensure no undue stress or conflict between you.

Many thanks to Rachel Kunde and the members of the Australian Surrogate Support group she consulted, who contributed information and advice to this text.

Talking to your child about surrogacy

Talking to your child about how you became a family through surrogacy is no different from the experience for families created through donor conception or other forms of assisted reproduction. In fact, it is similar to how any child is taught about their conception. It is all about openness, honesty, how, when and why tell.

Whether a child is born with the help of a surrogate in Australia or a surrogate internationally, research and anecdotal evidence shows that children of surrogacy and donor conception benefit from being told how they came to be in the world. Children are also often curious to know more about their surrogate and/or donor.

Surrogacy perspectives: Fiona, Pippy & Laura

Mother & son talk surrogacy: Karen & her son Matt

VARTA offers a range of resources on the subject of talking to children about donor-conception and surrogacy for you to explore.

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You may benefit from talking to other parents who have children as a result of a surrogate’s help.

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What happens if you are friends or family?

During the treatment and pregnancy

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