Talking To Young Adults About Their Conception
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Why I told
By Barbara
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“After nearly a quarter of a century of keeping the secret of my daughter’s conceptions, in 2005 I told them that they were donor conceived. Jane was 24 and Lauren 21. It came completely out of the blue for them and was a real shock as they had no previous inkling."
Why did I tell them? I had been fairly comfortable keeping the secret for the years of their growing up but as they got older it weighed on my mind more and more. It was very scary and I didn’t know how they would take it but just felt it was the proper time and that if I didn’t tell them when I did I never would, and would possibly live to regret it. I was undoubtedly influenced by the media campaign ‘Time to tell’, which stirred memories and prodded me to think about my obligations. However, the greatest motivation was an inner voice telling me it was something I had to do. I believe that a person has an absolute right to know of their biological origins and that now they were adults I had no good reason for keeping this information from them.
I thought about it for a long time before actually getting the courage to speak. I have always valued honesty and disliked secrecy but the issues here were momentous. One point that was a major influence was the fear that they would find out accidentally in the future. I had a horror of them, many years down the track, being involved with their father’s medical treatment and suddenly realising that his blood type or DNA was incompatible with their own and that they had been lied to their whole life. Also Jane was heading off to New Zealand for a working holiday and I realised that it might be the last time for a long time that the three of us would be together. If I was ever going to tell now was the time.
There were also good reasons to say nothing. One of the strongest arguments against was that I had no information at all about the donor. It seemed almost a sick joke to have to admit to my children that they were conceived by a stranger whom they would never know anything about. Also I am a very private person and none of my family or friends knew and I dreaded the embarrassment of them finding out.
But my strong instinct that this was something I had to do prevailed and once I had made up my mind I did some Internet searching, screwed up my courage and rang Leonie Hewitt in Sydney from the Donor Conception Support Group (DCSG). She was encouraging and just speaking to her was a breakthrough as for the first time I was putting into words things that I had never before articulated. Part of the problem, for me, of telling, was finding the right words and having a vocabulary with which to express myself. Even though she counselled against it I knew I was, at that point, not going to tell their father what I was proposing. We were divorced and he had moved to Queensland and made a new life for himself, though he had intermittent contact with the girls. The fact that he was effectively out of our lives definitely made it easier for me to take this step.
My reading and Leonie strongly suggested that before talking to Jane and Lauren I should speak to a friend so that I would have some support and a sounding board. After mulling things over I ‘came out’ to a very good friend. She was surprised but listened to me and reassured me that Jane and Lauren would be OK and would be able to handle this startling news. Reading stories about the sometimes traumatic reactions of people who found out they had been adopted made me anxious, though I knew the girls were well balanced and had a lot of common sense and I believed though they would be shocked they would also be OK.
One evening when we were all at home, shaking but determined, I sat them on the couch and haltingly told them the secret. The conversation was awkward and apart from asking a few questions they did not say much. In the days that followed they were quiet and though I tried to raise the issue a couple of times I got little response. I know now that it hit them like a thunderbolt and took a long time to absorb.
It turned out that telling them was the start of a long journey that we never could have anticipated. For three years, as I had feared, the lack of information about their donor created a huge gap in their lives resulting in sadness, anger and frustration, though outwardly things went on pretty much as normal. The girls took the news differently. Jane was more philosophical and prepared to accept that this was just how things were while it really bugged her younger sister. A breakthrough came when Lauren, deciding to take some control, got in touch with Tangled Webs and met and talked with other donor conceived people. Against long odds, thanks to her incredible efforts, including appearing on national television, writing articles, lobbying the state government, plus the work of the Infertility Treatment Authority (ITA), the luck of living in Victoria which has a donor register, and the help of some amazing people, she actually found her donor and has now contacted and met him. Sadly, with the current legal position on donor conception, for children born before 1988, this ‘happy ending’ is probably the exception rather than the rule. However, for those conceived with sperm donated after 1988 things are very different as, once the children turn 18, they have the right to apply for information.
So why did I tell when I did? It was a combination of circumstances that came together which made it the right time. The girls had weathered the storms of adolescence, I believed they had enough life experience to cope with the news, the media campaign stirred my conscience, I strongly believed they had an absolute right to know about their genetic heritage and I would be cheating them if I did not have the courage to speak up, I feared them finding out accidentally in the future, perhaps when I was no longer around, and finally, our lives had reached a critical point where the family was heading off in different directions and if I did not speak up I would lose the opportunity.
There have been many benefits now that the secret is out. Their father has been told and has been fine and people generally have been very supportive. I no longer fear accidental disclosure, I am able to be more open with family and friends, it has drawn me closer to Lauren and has brought out qualities in her that I am sure have surprised even her. Best of all Jane and Lauren have found out about their genetic heritage and have been able to contact the donor and their half-siblings.
